he thinks about asking if he's allowed to ask, but scien taught him one (1) bad habit already and it's that you just have to ask. he figures if the man doesn't want to answer, he'll just tell him no. ]
If I am to claim that my research is done to save people, the first sacrifice and experiment should always be myself. If that includes finding the side effects before I find the successes, so be it.
[scien's profile says dissection but it never clarified whom he's dissecting]
I reached my answer. My lungs are stronger and this body is not at its deathbed, but the pain takes it place.
...there are some. extremely complicated feelings here while shoma observes him patiently, like he's trying to dissect scien's words and match them with sincerity and confirm that he actually means this. the pain was very much real. he can't deny that. but for a researcher to experiment on themselves...
...what makes one researcher decide this and another one to not?
he ignores that thought and instead frowns lightly. ]
And as a sacrifice, there's no turning back on that either. Right?
Researchers are as different as people. Some are cowards and some have integrity. I would simply rather be someone with principles.
[he chooses to answer the thoughts out loud, because he also won't pretend that he didn't hear them.
he's the worst, but he's straightforward about it. that's also one of his principles.]
I've chosen to live with this side effect so I can see how long this body lasts compared to other Reliver vessels. That's still data that can be used to improve the template for others.
[ he's getting used to this. people really are just answering things he doesn't mean to be thinking and yet he can't exactly take them back, so whatever.
the thing is, there's a weird sort of flat-line energy when scien calls himself someone with principles because he's not sure how to feel about that either. but he admires the straightforwardness of it all. at the same time...being straightforward can be a trap.
sometimes when you confront someone about something you know they've done wrong, and something immoral, their straightforwardness leads them to being so damn sure they did nothing wrong at all because it got the results they wanted.
though this, actually, is slightly better. scien testing things on himself does err more on the side of integrity rather than springing it on an unsuspecting subject. ]
So in the end it was worth it. For the sake of the data to improve the potential future lives of humanity.
Of course. Everything I do is to serve that end. This is an inconvenience at best, and I've learned how to manage it.
[it matters little if he suffers - he knows how to minimize that where possible. it doesn't matter if it never truly goes away either, because it's something that he chose for himself.]
I've always been entirely aware of the risks I'm meant to take when I chose to pursue this research.
[ he folds his arms over his chest almost like he's guarding himself, eyes cast down to the floor as he considers this. he doesn't reply to that immediately either, letting his thoughts circle each other for a bit. ]
I find it interesting that you would be considered evil despite the fact you just told me you'd rather experiment on yourself first before submitting someone else to an experiment.
Some experiments cannot be done on myself. I still insist you shouldn't mistake me for a saint. I will choose to sacrifice others to accomplish things I cannot do alone, even if I've decided not to involve civilians. Other people's lives are still used and discarded for my results. That is enough to make me a sinner.
Though I possess principles, it does not erase the blood on my hands.
[it is the nuance that exists in the heart of scien brofiise: someone who is at once the devil and the savior]
I never said I would think of you as a saint either. [ bluntly. just to clarify. ] Just like I never said you'd be absolved from sins just because the work you're doing is for the greater good. But I can still think...
[ ...he seems to be settling down again, deciding not to keep talking and shut up to weigh his words for a moment. ]
...those people you use for your research. Where do you find them? How do they come into your hands?
[so he felt the need to clarify. it's what happens when people so commonly revere you as a god. scien ever only accepted the title in regards to his intellect - not his morals]
They're the scum of the earth. Criminals on death row only.
[those who were already going to die, so scien thought their lives could at least be used for research]
[ he's not even surprised by this question because he's very aware he's been more candid and pointed in his questioning today than usual. ]
Researcher. But he's dead, so... [ he can't exactly do anything anymore. and yet when shoma says that, there're two prevalent emotions here. one is frustration, and one is relief. ]
[scien picks apart the emotions and analyzes them - they're not strong enough to offset his internal system so....]
Did he die before he could see his research to completion, leaving you without answers? Are you glad he's dead before he could steal away anymore lives?
Or is there something else, to explain this complicated mess of emotions you seem to be holding onto?
No, he succeeded just fine. [ then? ] I wouldn't necessarily say I'm glad he's dead either.
[ ... ]
I think this might be hard for you to understand. [ because he can sort of see how scien approaches people and how people feel. ] I guess I wanted answers about his research and the methodology behind it, but I'll never get those. So I thought maybe hearing it from someone else might make it a little easier to understand.
... so you're seeking closure, hoping someone other than a ghost will give it to you.
[it is a little hard for him to understand - he would probably never experience this feeling himself - but it's not as though he's never hit a dead end.]
anyway he decides to make another huge mistake and actually tell scien something a little more truthful than he's told anyone else here so far. ]
It'd be foolish to think it'd be complete closure. [ so this is part of it, yes. ] The only one who could have was Director Horadori, and I was never gonna get answers from him anyway because he never thought he was doing anything wrong. But it'd at least give context to pieces I don't have, and maybe a direction to follow.
...Director Horadori's research was similar to yours. Not because people were dying in Tokyo, but because he wanted to reach immortality. He wanted to find a way to stop aging so that he could live forever and never have to worry about dying. I think that was his justification. He wanted to keep living just to be able to do whatever he wanted in life without consequences.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Then stay back if you don't want to experience it again. This odd connection might come and go, but the pain is permanent.
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...constant as a side-effect of being a Reliver?
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No. I wouldn't send Relivers out to the world like this. They wouldn't be able to survive it.
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he thinks about asking if he's allowed to ask, but scien taught him one (1) bad habit already and it's that you just have to ask. he figures if the man doesn't want to answer, he'll just tell him no. ]
Then what was that?
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especially since scien answers easily - ]
An example of my own sacrifice.
no subject
What did you offer in exchange for an answer you were looking for?
no subject
If I am to claim that my research is done to save people, the first sacrifice and experiment should always be myself. If that includes finding the side effects before I find the successes, so be it.
[scien's profile says dissection but it never clarified whom he's dissecting]
I reached my answer. My lungs are stronger and this body is not at its deathbed, but the pain takes it place.
no subject
...there are some. extremely complicated feelings here while shoma observes him patiently, like he's trying to dissect scien's words and match them with sincerity and confirm that he actually means this. the pain was very much real. he can't deny that. but for a researcher to experiment on themselves...
...what makes one researcher decide this and another one to not?
he ignores that thought and instead frowns lightly. ]
And as a sacrifice, there's no turning back on that either. Right?
no subject
[he chooses to answer the thoughts out loud, because he also won't pretend that he didn't hear them.
he's the worst, but he's straightforward about it. that's also one of his principles.]
I've chosen to live with this side effect so I can see how long this body lasts compared to other Reliver vessels. That's still data that can be used to improve the template for others.
no subject
the thing is, there's a weird sort of flat-line energy when scien calls himself someone with principles because he's not sure how to feel about that either. but he admires the straightforwardness of it all. at the same time...being straightforward can be a trap.
sometimes when you confront someone about something you know they've done wrong, and something immoral, their straightforwardness leads them to being so damn sure they did nothing wrong at all because it got the results they wanted.
though this, actually, is slightly better. scien testing things on himself does err more on the side of integrity rather than springing it on an unsuspecting subject. ]
So in the end it was worth it. For the sake of the data to improve the potential future lives of humanity.
no subject
[it matters little if he suffers - he knows how to minimize that where possible. it doesn't matter if it never truly goes away either, because it's something that he chose for himself.]
I've always been entirely aware of the risks I'm meant to take when I chose to pursue this research.
no subject
[ he folds his arms over his chest almost like he's guarding himself, eyes cast down to the floor as he considers this. he doesn't reply to that immediately either, letting his thoughts circle each other for a bit. ]
I find it interesting that you would be considered evil despite the fact you just told me you'd rather experiment on yourself first before submitting someone else to an experiment.
no subject
Some experiments cannot be done on myself. I still insist you shouldn't mistake me for a saint. I will choose to sacrifice others to accomplish things I cannot do alone, even if I've decided not to involve civilians. Other people's lives are still used and discarded for my results. That is enough to make me a sinner.
Though I possess principles, it does not erase the blood on my hands.
[it is the nuance that exists in the heart of scien brofiise: someone who is at once the devil and the savior]
no subject
[ ...he seems to be settling down again, deciding not to keep talking and shut up to weigh his words for a moment. ]
...those people you use for your research. Where do you find them? How do they come into your hands?
no subject
[so he felt the need to clarify. it's what happens when people so commonly revere you as a god. scien ever only accepted the title in regards to his intellect - not his morals]
They're the scum of the earth. Criminals on death row only.
[those who were already going to die, so scien thought their lives could at least be used for research]
no subject
And do they know? [ do they know that when they enter the institute, they're about to be used and discarded as needed. ]
no subject
I don't know what the guards who escort them tell them on the way. Most likely not.
[that said,]
Who are you comparing me to?
no subject
Researcher. But he's dead, so... [ he can't exactly do anything anymore. and yet when shoma says that, there're two prevalent emotions here. one is frustration, and one is relief. ]
no subject
Did he die before he could see his research to completion, leaving you without answers? Are you glad he's dead before he could steal away anymore lives?
Or is there something else, to explain this complicated mess of emotions you seem to be holding onto?
no subject
[ ... ]
I think this might be hard for you to understand. [ because he can sort of see how scien approaches people and how people feel. ] I guess I wanted answers about his research and the methodology behind it, but I'll never get those. So I thought maybe hearing it from someone else might make it a little easier to understand.
no subject
[it is a little hard for him to understand - he would probably never experience this feeling himself - but it's not as though he's never hit a dead end.]
Is that it?
no subject
anyway he decides to make another huge mistake and actually tell scien something a little more truthful than he's told anyone else here so far. ]
It'd be foolish to think it'd be complete closure. [ so this is part of it, yes. ] The only one who could have was Director Horadori, and I was never gonna get answers from him anyway because he never thought he was doing anything wrong. But it'd at least give context to pieces I don't have, and maybe a direction to follow.
no subject
[said like... duh? will he continue to do it anyway? listen.]
And what are the pieces that you feel like you don't have? How was he able to justify it to himself?
no subject
...Director Horadori's research was similar to yours. Not because people were dying in Tokyo, but because he wanted to reach immortality. He wanted to find a way to stop aging so that he could live forever and never have to worry about dying. I think that was his justification. He wanted to keep living just to be able to do whatever he wanted in life without consequences.
no subject
goes the equivalent of
uuuuggghhHHHHHHHH out loud
his emotions - though muted, still not quite right - similarly reflect a sense of disgust and distaste]
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