I suppose you should have. [ namely because scien straight up asked him what his true age was...but he will also elaborate. ]
It's not immortality. But the genetic modifications of my body have slowed the aging process almost entirely. [ ... ] There isn't any way to fix it either.
My eighteenth birthday was seven months ago. [ he makes a face at being compared to an eighty year old though. ] Even if my body doesn't age, my brain still does.
No. He was doing all of the experiments to see what would work. I'm guessing he wanted to rule out any and all side effects and create the perfect genetic code before altering his own. He never really said.
[ ...and he thinks this might not matter to scien in particular, given how he operates, but shoma figures it's fair to offer full context. ]
...I was in elementary school when they told me something was wrong with my genes. Instead of going to the hospital, I was taken to Horadori Institute. He told me there were abnormalities in my DNA, something only one in hundreds of thousands of people had. It meant I'd get sick with an incurable disease and I'd die really soon if I didn't start treatments right away. The only way they could help me was through gene therapy.
[ a flicker of annoyance, and anger, and frustration all over again. ]
I finally stole my file from the Institute when I was twelve because I wanted to find out what was wrong. And as you probably guessed, the answer was nothing. He was just using me for his experiments. [ a pause. ] The sole success of his research. That's what it said.
Ah, I knew someone with a bad hobby like that. I kicked him out of my Institute because that's not what we do there.
[hELP HEELP HELPPPP NOT SCIEN IMMEDIATELY HAVING A PICTURE IN HIS HEAD OF WHO THIS GUY ISSSSS
but there are flickers of understanding. there isn't anything quite like sympathy or empathy, but a faraway emotion that is something like disgruntlement. even if he isn't the type to react to someone else's backstory...
well, it's the principle of the thing]
So when you spoke of transformation and key events... I see now.
Then I can at least say this: I don't think it is impossible for you to resume aging normally. You are not unsalvageable.
Good. [ don't just tell scien how to run his institute? anyway it's fine. he truly would have been more shocked and immediately thought it was fake if he felt any sort of sympathy from scien. ]
...you don't. [ he's not the type to get his hopes up (not anymore, there's never a point in doing so), but he is admittedly curious. he has no idea what all horadori did to his genes or how to rectify it, but he was mildly hoping someone with more knowledge about genetic engineering would have more clues. ] Really?
I won't pretend that it'll be easy. Gene research of this nature is difficult because it requires human subjects. You might not be able to stomach it. However, that doesn't mean you can't pick up off other people's research like a vulture and grab their scraps.
So go ahead and try to use me, if you think that you'll be able to.
[the way that it comes off as a little bit of a challenge, a little bit of a taunt.]
More importantly—I don't think you should lose to a fool like that. So why don't you struggle until you win? It's not like a dead man can catch up to you.
[and there it is - the slightly twisted nature to scien's confidence. this is a type of research that he hates. it'd be nice to see someone's life's work get destroyed by the very subject used to perfect it. sometimes spite is enough.]
[ why the fuck would you challenge an 18 year old boy who's already so full of anger and spite????????????????
because that's what it is. this started when shoma was nine, and things were slowly taken away from him bit by bit. first it was something manageable. then it became a little more complicated. then he lost his agency, his body and a chance at living a normal life and growing up even remotely okay. it's been six years of fighting off the urge to just die, actually, but a few factors keep him tethered to life. spite is a good one of them.
so all of this is to say that this kind of lands in the worst way possible. he has no intentions of using anything other than scien's brain in whatever ways he can.
...true enough, i guess. ]
I don't think there's anything I can do here except ask questions and develop theories and ideas on my own. But if it's possible...if I can take that research back and maybe look into it further...
[ he'd resigned himself to this fate a while ago is the thing. he'd accepted he would never age, cursed with eternal life and youth, and everyone he loved and still had left would eventually age out and die before he ever got that far. he'd never thought about actually trying to find a way to reverse it until he met someone who had simlar knowledge. and of course, he'd love to tell chikara horadori to fuck off. ]
[everyone needs a reason to keep going, and spite's not a bad one.
scien's single-minded goal for most of his existence now has been to free his cursed little french island from its own limited lifespan. he doesn't do it out of altruism or good will, and he doesn't do it to prove a point. it's simply what he's meant to do, because he was born to do it.
for shoma, who was given this bad lot in life, who else would bother to spend all that time saving him... besides himself? scien entertains the idea of trying to piece together a solution for him - but with someone this intelligent, that doesn't seem right. it would take something from him that he should grip with his own two hands.]
That's right.
[affirming]
Every piece of data is relevant. Use your resources in whatever way that you can live with it. And don't lose sight of your goal, even if it's just to save yourself.
[ this is actually exactly why he did feel like it was fine to tell scien enough. he had a feeling that this man wouldn't pity him, but would at least give him an idea and a direction to start finding tools for himself to figure it all out. a lot of things have been taken out of shoma's hands and he hasn't been able to do things for himself. even the plans he'd made for certain things...those crumbled, too, because someone got there first and he missed the closure on that. instead, it caused an even bigger problem.
so maybe it is about wanting control for once. ]
I...don't know how far I can go yet. [ he will be honest, because the idea of experimenting on himself even to fix everything still worries him a little. ] But I do plan to go until I can't. Wherever that takes me. This place is just another stop along the way.
It does take a certain level of inhumanity. I've always told Dahut that as scientists, we're selfish and cruel. We trivialize life by nature of what we do.
[but rather than any sense of self-pitying from scien's fucked up emotions, there is only a faint echo of acceptance. responsibility.]
Sometimes, all you can hope to do is reduce casualties and harm—but know that still it might be done.
Does he agree with that? [ he doesn't seem to care if he gets an answer, but he's curious. he might even just ask dahut himself. ] He mentioned he'd been a Reliver for a long time, too.
[ scien's emotional read continues to be interesting and something he's taking note of. ]
…most things come with risks. I can acknowledge that much. But minimizing them is a smaller goal I have. It's something I can always adjust later, can't I?
Ask him. [he tilts his head] At the very least, he's not entirely what he's painting himself to be to everyone else, even if I wouldn't say he's lying either. You'd have that in common.
[these fucked up lil teens that are way older than they are and scien is just sitting here with this information i guess]
The risks that you take? I suppose. Depending on how comfortable you are with your mental age and physical age continuing to drift apart.
[he will admit that shoma seemingly has all the time in the world, but the psychological toll must be insane]
[ he's just going to take that as permission. ] I sort of figured as much. I haven't decided if I'm going to tell him what I've told you. I don't know if it'll matter, but…I'm considering it.
[ fucked up lil teens that are way older. anyway. yeah. about that. scien brings that up and the immediate emotional read is something a little heavier than previously. it's a blanketed sort of depression that's always been there, but shoma tends to just ignore it most of the time.
being trapped like this truly, actually, has done a lot of damage to his psyche. ]
…right. [ not that comfortable. it's already harder every year. ] Makes enough sense.
He'd understand most closely. He's been fifteen the entire time I've known him, and risen in the ranks either despite or because of it.
[unclear which!!
the way i was going to say 'six years is negligible later in life' but scien wouldn't actually know that because no one lives over twenty-three in virche goodbye]
Then I would recommend getting to work. Or else you'll have to get creative about making sure that your body and mental age align.
[ there's a nod of understanding. he'll probably mention it unless aki somehow swings our thread into a way it can't come up right now. also stop this. ]
My typical responses probably won't work much longer. [ so... ] I'll see what I can do.
[ and scien is going to have to deal with him occasionally asking questions. that's just how this goes now. ]
I would ask how you deal with it but you've been way too upfront about the disconnect to give off the impression there is a problem with it. [ the man looks 23 but now that shoma is really thinking about it he's like "no yeah i can see the similarities in the body and brain not matching." ]
[that actually makes him laugh, and there is a trickle of amusement in his feelings - though again, they're still not processed quite right. an echo of the feeling rather than the true thing]
Oh? Do I not come off as a normal twenty-three year old? [what do you think bitch] Though I'd say that has more to do with my personality than my technology.
Relivers typically maintain the same mental age that they have when they've died. It's why Dahut can still proceed as he is so naturally, even though he's far past his teens. Mentally, I am still 23, though I was hardly among the norm even in my initial life. It's troublesome at times, but it is only recently that I've considered it something worth amending.
I'll probably play with the idea of it in my free time.
[ he knows it's a rhetorical question, but he shrugs. ]
My sister's twenty-four, so I can't say my comparison's that useful. But that probably makes more sense if you've been doing this sort of thing your entire life.
[ ...ah. ] Is that why you asked what my mental age was, too? I wasn't entirely sure how Relivers functioned once cloned. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder. [ being alive and reliving repeatedly but still being the "same." ]
Unfortunately I get the feeling we're about to have a lot of free time. So it's worth a thought if you really have nothing else to experiment with.
In general, plenty of people have a mental age that doesn't reflect their physical age. It also has to do with the society that they're in—how their age relates to their social position to other long-lived individuals. The so-called wizards and the fish man are evident enough of that.
But you're not wrong. I don't have all of my research materials, but I remember enough to be able to work out some ideas. Supposedly there will eventually be a library to access as well.
[ there's a quizzical look like "what wizards" because somehow he just hasn't talked to bradley or nero at all yet. though sidon he at least knows, so he can understand that much. sure. some people just age slowly in general because of their species. it's not always a genetic fuckup. ]
...this is obviously the first time I've ever left my world, so seeing instances outside of what I know has been different. [ but the point's been made and he's moving on. ]
Did the crew tell you that? [ he does not have strong hope the library will contain a lot of useful things, but it's a thought. ]
It is mine as well. [though you wouldn't guess based on how scien's taken everything so in stride]
They did. They said they perform their own research with the books supplied by the company, so there is that. At the very least, it should allow for idea generation for you.
[ he sort of guessed based on the circumstances of the island, but he also does sort of raise an eyebrow because yeah. the man's been pretty steady about this whole thing this whole time.
the promise of a library does seem to intrigue him though. ]
It's a start, as long as the materials provided are on subjects I can work with. Usually I'd just use the internet and work from there, but that'll have to do. Any idea when "eventually" might even be?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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anyway. ...even if the rest of the ship doesn't have a clue, he figures at this rate he's already said enough it won't matter. so. ]
I told you he succeeded just fine, didn't I?
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Oh?
I suppose I should've guessed.
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It's not immortality. But the genetic modifications of my body have slowed the aging process almost entirely. [ ... ] There isn't any way to fix it either.
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Mentally, how old are you? Do you possess the same processing capability as your body, or is there an eighty year old trapped in there?
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[ok arrogance]
What, was the other guy planning on stealing your body at some point? Override your consciousness with his own?
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but he shakes his head. ]
No. He was doing all of the experiments to see what would work. I'm guessing he wanted to rule out any and all side effects and create the perfect genetic code before altering his own. He never really said.
[ ...and he thinks this might not matter to scien in particular, given how he operates, but shoma figures it's fair to offer full context. ]
...I was in elementary school when they told me something was wrong with my genes. Instead of going to the hospital, I was taken to Horadori Institute. He told me there were abnormalities in my DNA, something only one in hundreds of thousands of people had. It meant I'd get sick with an incurable disease and I'd die really soon if I didn't start treatments right away. The only way they could help me was through gene therapy.
[ a flicker of annoyance, and anger, and frustration all over again. ]
I finally stole my file from the Institute when I was twelve because I wanted to find out what was wrong. And as you probably guessed, the answer was nothing. He was just using me for his experiments. [ a pause. ] The sole success of his research. That's what it said.
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[hELP HEELP HELPPPP NOT SCIEN IMMEDIATELY HAVING A PICTURE IN HIS HEAD OF WHO THIS GUY ISSSSS
but there are flickers of understanding. there isn't anything quite like sympathy or empathy, but a faraway emotion that is something like disgruntlement. even if he isn't the type to react to someone else's backstory...
well, it's the principle of the thing]
So when you spoke of transformation and key events... I see now.
Then I can at least say this: I don't think it is impossible for you to resume aging normally. You are not unsalvageable.
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...you don't. [ he's not the type to get his hopes up (not anymore, there's never a point in doing so), but he is admittedly curious. he has no idea what all horadori did to his genes or how to rectify it, but he was mildly hoping someone with more knowledge about genetic engineering would have more clues. ] Really?
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I won't pretend that it'll be easy. Gene research of this nature is difficult because it requires human subjects. You might not be able to stomach it. However, that doesn't mean you can't pick up off other people's research like a vulture and grab their scraps.
So go ahead and try to use me, if you think that you'll be able to.
[the way that it comes off as a little bit of a challenge, a little bit of a taunt.]
More importantly—I don't think you should lose to a fool like that. So why don't you struggle until you win? It's not like a dead man can catch up to you.
[and there it is - the slightly twisted nature to scien's confidence. this is a type of research that he hates. it'd be nice to see someone's life's work get destroyed by the very subject used to perfect it. sometimes spite is enough.]
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because that's what it is. this started when shoma was nine, and things were slowly taken away from him bit by bit. first it was something manageable. then it became a little more complicated. then he lost his agency, his body and a chance at living a normal life and growing up even remotely okay. it's been six years of fighting off the urge to just die, actually, but a few factors keep him tethered to life. spite is a good one of them.
so all of this is to say that this kind of lands in the worst way possible. he has no intentions of using anything other than scien's brain in whatever ways he can.
...true enough, i guess. ]
I don't think there's anything I can do here except ask questions and develop theories and ideas on my own. But if it's possible...if I can take that research back and maybe look into it further...
[ he'd resigned himself to this fate a while ago is the thing. he'd accepted he would never age, cursed with eternal life and youth, and everyone he loved and still had left would eventually age out and die before he ever got that far. he'd never thought about actually trying to find a way to reverse it until he met someone who had simlar knowledge. and of course, he'd love to tell chikara horadori to fuck off. ]
Understood.
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scien's single-minded goal for most of his existence now has been to free his cursed little french island from its own limited lifespan. he doesn't do it out of altruism or good will, and he doesn't do it to prove a point. it's simply what he's meant to do, because he was born to do it.
for shoma, who was given this bad lot in life, who else would bother to spend all that time saving him... besides himself? scien entertains the idea of trying to piece together a solution for him - but with someone this intelligent, that doesn't seem right. it would take something from him that he should grip with his own two hands.]
That's right.
[affirming]
Every piece of data is relevant. Use your resources in whatever way that you can live with it. And don't lose sight of your goal, even if it's just to save yourself.
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so maybe it is about wanting control for once. ]
I...don't know how far I can go yet. [ he will be honest, because the idea of experimenting on himself even to fix everything still worries him a little. ] But I do plan to go until I can't. Wherever that takes me. This place is just another stop along the way.
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[but rather than any sense of self-pitying from scien's fucked up emotions, there is only a faint echo of acceptance. responsibility.]
Sometimes, all you can hope to do is reduce casualties and harm—but know that still it might be done.
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[ scien's emotional read continues to be interesting and something he's taking note of. ]
…most things come with risks. I can acknowledge that much. But minimizing them is a smaller goal I have. It's something I can always adjust later, can't I?
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[these fucked up lil teens that are way older than they are and scien is just sitting here with this information i guess]
The risks that you take? I suppose. Depending on how comfortable you are with your mental age and physical age continuing to drift apart.
[he will admit that shoma seemingly has all the time in the world, but the psychological toll must be insane]
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[ fucked up lil teens that are way older. anyway. yeah. about that. scien brings that up and the immediate emotional read is something a little heavier than previously. it's a blanketed sort of depression that's always been there, but shoma tends to just ignore it most of the time.
being trapped like this truly, actually, has done a lot of damage to his psyche. ]
…right. [ not that comfortable. it's already harder every year. ] Makes enough sense.
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[unclear which!!
the way i was going to say 'six years is negligible later in life' but scien wouldn't actually know that because no one lives over twenty-three in virche goodbye]
Then I would recommend getting to work. Or else you'll have to get creative about making sure that your body and mental age align.
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My typical responses probably won't work much longer. [ so... ] I'll see what I can do.
[ and scien is going to have to deal with him occasionally asking questions. that's just how this goes now. ]
I would ask how you deal with it but you've been way too upfront about the disconnect to give off the impression there is a problem with it. [ the man looks 23 but now that shoma is really thinking about it he's like "no yeah i can see the similarities in the body and brain not matching." ]
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Oh? Do I not come off as a normal twenty-three year old? [what do you think bitch] Though I'd say that has more to do with my personality than my technology.
Relivers typically maintain the same mental age that they have when they've died. It's why Dahut can still proceed as he is so naturally, even though he's far past his teens. Mentally, I am still 23, though I was hardly among the norm even in my initial life. It's troublesome at times, but it is only recently that I've considered it something worth amending.
I'll probably play with the idea of it in my free time.
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My sister's twenty-four, so I can't say my comparison's that useful. But that probably makes more sense if you've been doing this sort of thing your entire life.
[ ...ah. ] Is that why you asked what my mental age was, too? I wasn't entirely sure how Relivers functioned once cloned. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder. [ being alive and reliving repeatedly but still being the "same." ]
Unfortunately I get the feeling we're about to have a lot of free time. So it's worth a thought if you really have nothing else to experiment with.
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In general, plenty of people have a mental age that doesn't reflect their physical age. It also has to do with the society that they're in—how their age relates to their social position to other long-lived individuals. The so-called wizards and the fish man are evident enough of that.
But you're not wrong. I don't have all of my research materials, but I remember enough to be able to work out some ideas. Supposedly there will eventually be a library to access as well.
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...this is obviously the first time I've ever left my world, so seeing instances outside of what I know has been different. [ but the point's been made and he's moving on. ]
Did the crew tell you that? [ he does not have strong hope the library will contain a lot of useful things, but it's a thought. ]
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It is mine as well. [though you wouldn't guess based on how scien's taken everything so in stride]
They did. They said they perform their own research with the books supplied by the company, so there is that. At the very least, it should allow for idea generation for you.
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the promise of a library does seem to intrigue him though. ]
It's a start, as long as the materials provided are on subjects I can work with. Usually I'd just use the internet and work from there, but that'll have to do. Any idea when "eventually" might even be?
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