anyway this is a lot. there are a lot of things he does and does not find familiar in this memory, and as it plays out in front of his eyes he finds a strange tightness in his chest at the sense of wanting to make a father proud, and then finding your father hasn't quite been truthful with you.
there's a fight, and there's danger, and there's a man too foolhardy who thinks he can do better than fate allows and the feeling of confusion and anguish and uncertainty all wrapped up in this. and the decision to end it...it can't have been an easy one.
so when he comes out of it, he pauses, staring at diluc quietly like he's debating how to talk about this. ]
...what a shitty birthday present. [ just. just saying. ]
[ there's a lopsided sort of smile to that, though it's hard to say if it's to the laughter (?) or the comment. but...he shakes his head. ]
Believe it or not it's not the worst thing I've seen this week. [ all of you are. a lot. ] ...and it's like I said to somebody else. I wish there was something better to say in this situation, because no matter how many times you hear "I'm sorry for your loss" or "you did what you could" or "it wasn't your fault for not noticing" it doesn't change that it happened and it doesn't change that it changed the rest of your life. And it doesn't change that it's still hard to think about no matter how many years it's been. So if anything, I should be apologizing to you for making a situation where you had to rewitness it.
[ diluc doesn't know how he ought to feel about that—having seen other memories so much worse than his own, which was already not great. it's not exactly a relief.
at any rate, he shakes his head. ]
Unless you're personally responsible for the Eudora, you don't owe me an apology. And if any of us want to avoid these experiences, then the best we can do is lock ourselves in our rooms the entire week.
[ not happening. ]
...But I understand. These memories aren't exactly easy to speak about. And it's disarming to have them paraded on a whim.
Trust me, if I was personally responsible I'd be sending us all home already. And while I think that's an effective strategy I don't think that'll help when they'll just force us out for stuff anyway.
[ when someone...ends up dead. ]
I think it's just...the same thing as usual? The lack of control that comes from these things where we don't get a say in what people see. I'm sure you would've picked something better if you had a choice, right? Like a better memory.
Yes. ...Or at the very least, a far less exciting memory.
[ (or something exciting in a less personally tragic way...) his most recent memories have plenty of adventure, and all of his older one are... complicated in that they've permanently got a sorrowful tint over the nostalgia. ]
...All that aside, that reminds me. Were you able to see Io?
[ about the test results. since this is very related to not having control over themselves, i.e. being effected by something else that might not be nanites. ]
Not yet. Though...I did speak with Metis who told me that they and Adrastea did some tests on their nanites during last week's lockdown. They said nothing unusual came from it. No differences in behavior or in blood even compared to other people they were with. I'd like to compare for myself and see the actual results. Especially since I need to ask Io about some other stuff anyway. [ gestures vaguely to his arm. ]
That's... curious. I have to wonder what's influencing us then, if not the nanites. [ not to sound Religious but some kind of greater power at play? ] Best of luck with your analysis.
[ also puts out my paw for a shoma memory pls!! any cw is okay! ]
Ghosts, probably. [ don't just say that? ] But thanks. That's the new angle I'm looking at. Not that I really believe in them, but...possession is definitely possible. So we may as well look until it stops making sense.
a few hours go by, and you don't hear anything from ryuki or your father. you, and your three friends, call a driver to take you to the studio. you barely park before the girl with blue hair, your big sister, bursts out of the car and charges ahead while the rest of you struggle to deal with the fare and getting out of the car.
all four of you are shaken by this discovery. you hear ryuki trying to speak to all of you, kizuna explaining how they got there and iris practically clinging to her. you hear the sound of your sister crying. you don't entirely register what's being said though, and soon you find yourself letting out a quiet whimper. you think ryuki's trying to get your attention. you think kizuna calls out to you. but it doesn't matter. you're overwhelmed by horror, by grief, by guilt, and without waiting you let out a loud, anguished scream and you turn around. you run away, and you disappear as quickly as you can.
(for reference shoma's actual memory does not include any of the conversation between ryuki and tama, and he does not know what message was on his dad's phone. tada.) ]
[ to turn 18. diluc can still feel the aftershocks of the memory—the horror and shame, sadness so heavy it clogs up his lungs. he had remained on good terms with his father before his death, but he knows what it's like to speak hurtful things you don't really mean. to have regrets that last a lifetime.
shoma is only 12, and this time diluc has no choice but to pay mind to his age. he really is far too young to have to carry such a burden. (and diluc had been, too.) ]
[ me wondering why there's a stray "away" there that's what i get for doing this on mobile ig. anyway! yeah! it...yeah. he looks both stricken and mortified, actually, for diluc to have to witness that and for a moment he goes extremely still.
like...he feels slightly okay because he knows he can trust diluc not to think he's a horrible person. but on the other hand this is still. bad. ]
...thanks. [ it's hard to give condolences and it's equally hard to take them, sometimes. ] I think about it a lot. How maybe if I'd noticed some things, I could have helped prevent this from happening. [ and he pauses again, looking at him for a moment as if he's trying to decide something. and whatever he's looking for, he seems to think diluc has. so...he takes a risk. ] It's been a few years since then. I know I can't change things though, so it feels dumb to think about it. Even if I can't always help it, I guess.
You've gotta wonder if it's irony or if it's growth to think about these things. [ because you can only move forward by looking at what's behind you and deciding you don't want it anymore. ]
...I don't know if I'm there yet. For me or for him. I want to be, and there are a lot of things I've thought about and things I've addressed with myself but I think there're too many things to be completely forgiven yet. Guess it depends on what you'd considered healed, too.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
anyway this is a lot. there are a lot of things he does and does not find familiar in this memory, and as it plays out in front of his eyes he finds a strange tightness in his chest at the sense of wanting to make a father proud, and then finding your father hasn't quite been truthful with you.
there's a fight, and there's danger, and there's a man too foolhardy who thinks he can do better than fate allows and the feeling of confusion and anguish and uncertainty all wrapped up in this. and the decision to end it...it can't have been an easy one.
so when he comes out of it, he pauses, staring at diluc quietly like he's debating how to talk about this. ]
...what a shitty birthday present. [ just. just saying. ]
no subject
so, shoma's comment comes as a complete surprise. he's actually startled into laughter, though coming from him, it sounds like a snort. ]
Mhm. I don't recommend turning 18.
[ literally the worst day of his life. watch out, shoma, that'll be you in a few years.
...diluc is still tense from having to relive his father's death for an umpteenth time, but it's easier to relax with a bit of dark humor. ]
...I'm sorry you had to see all that.
no subject
Believe it or not it's not the worst thing I've seen this week. [ all of you are. a lot. ] ...and it's like I said to somebody else. I wish there was something better to say in this situation, because no matter how many times you hear "I'm sorry for your loss" or "you did what you could" or "it wasn't your fault for not noticing" it doesn't change that it happened and it doesn't change that it changed the rest of your life. And it doesn't change that it's still hard to think about no matter how many years it's been. So if anything, I should be apologizing to you for making a situation where you had to rewitness it.
no subject
[ diluc doesn't know how he ought to feel about that—having seen other memories so much worse than his own, which was already not great. it's not exactly a relief.
at any rate, he shakes his head. ]
Unless you're personally responsible for the Eudora, you don't owe me an apology. And if any of us want to avoid these experiences, then the best we can do is lock ourselves in our rooms the entire week.
[ not happening. ]
...But I understand. These memories aren't exactly easy to speak about. And it's disarming to have them paraded on a whim.
no subject
[ when someone...ends up dead. ]
I think it's just...the same thing as usual? The lack of control that comes from these things where we don't get a say in what people see. I'm sure you would've picked something better if you had a choice, right? Like a better memory.
no subject
[ (or something exciting in a less personally tragic way...) his most recent memories have plenty of adventure, and all of his older one are... complicated in that they've permanently got a sorrowful tint over the nostalgia. ]
...All that aside, that reminds me. Were you able to see Io?
[ about the test results. since this is very related to not having control over themselves, i.e. being effected by something else that might not be nanites. ]
no subject
Not yet. Though...I did speak with Metis who told me that they and Adrastea did some tests on their nanites during last week's lockdown. They said nothing unusual came from it. No differences in behavior or in blood even compared to other people they were with. I'd like to compare for myself and see the actual results. Especially since I need to ask Io about some other stuff anyway. [ gestures vaguely to his arm. ]
no subject
That's... curious. I have to wonder what's influencing us then, if not the nanites. [ not to sound Religious but some kind of greater power at play? ] Best of luck with your analysis.
[ also puts out my paw for a shoma memory pls!! any cw is okay! ]
no subject
[ away.
[ but he does not get to really say much about it because suddenly there's something shoma is going to regret in about 5 minutes up until 20:19.
a few hours go by, and you don't hear anything from ryuki or your father. you, and your three friends, call a driver to take you to the studio. you barely park before the girl with blue hair, your big sister, bursts out of the car and charges ahead while the rest of you struggle to deal with the fare and getting out of the car.
and then, soon, you come to realize... (to 23:22)
all four of you are shaken by this discovery. you hear ryuki trying to speak to all of you, kizuna explaining how they got there and iris practically clinging to her. you hear the sound of your sister crying. you don't entirely register what's being said though, and soon you find yourself letting out a quiet whimper. you think ryuki's trying to get your attention. you think kizuna calls out to you. but it doesn't matter. you're overwhelmed by horror, by grief, by guilt, and without waiting you let out a loud, anguished scream and you turn around. you run away, and you disappear as quickly as you can.
(for reference shoma's actual memory does not include any of the conversation between ryuki and tama, and he does not know what message was on his dad's phone. tada.) ]
no subject
...It seems you didn't have to wait, after all.
[ to turn 18. diluc can still feel the aftershocks of the memory—the horror and shame, sadness so heavy it clogs up his lungs. he had remained on good terms with his father before his death, but he knows what it's like to speak hurtful things you don't really mean. to have regrets that last a lifetime.
shoma is only 12, and this time diluc has no choice but to pay mind to his age. he really is far too young to have to carry such a burden. (and diluc had been, too.) ]
...I'm sorry.
no subject
like...he feels slightly okay because he knows he can trust diluc not to think he's a horrible person. but on the other hand this is still. bad. ]
...thanks. [ it's hard to give condolences and it's equally hard to take them, sometimes. ] I think about it a lot. How maybe if I'd noticed some things, I could have helped prevent this from happening. [ and he pauses again, looking at him for a moment as if he's trying to decide something. and whatever he's looking for, he seems to think diluc has. so...he takes a risk. ] It's been a few years since then. I know I can't change things though, so it feels dumb to think about it. Even if I can't always help it, I guess.
no subject
[ like moving in a slowly-inching spiral, a path that feels more like walking in circles or something even going in reverse. ]
...They say time heals all wounds, but they never say how much of it is needed. And sometimes, forgiveness takes even longer.
[ has shoma at least forgiven himself? ]
no subject
...I don't know if I'm there yet. For me or for him. I want to be, and there are a lot of things I've thought about and things I've addressed with myself but I think there're too many things to be completely forgiven yet. Guess it depends on what you'd considered healed, too.