I hate the sound of that. [ but the way he says this implies he can understand. sometimes you simply get tired of struggling to hold on through chaos. ] ...Dion, can you tell me what happened on Thursday? I mean you don't have to, I just...[ "would like to understand so I can help figure things out." ]
I will answer any question, though I suspect I will only disappoint you.
[ he closes his eyes ]
I had been rather irritable all week, the heat and the invasion of having my memories taken from me... It persisted like an itch. Until on Thursday, I finally lost my temper. [ he shakes his head ] I was too angry to think straight, and targeted Margaret over a minor grievance.
[ "you can't disappoint me more than everyone else in my life has."
he does not say this, but he doesn't think he can be disappointed either way. it's the same pattern and he can't be too angry about this. rather, he listens patiently. ]
Anyone would be irritated after having their memories put on display like that. [ so that part, he imagines, wouldn't help. ] One of those things where you acted without being able to fully control how angry you were? How did you find her?
[bro he saw the video on friday and he sympathized. ]
Oh. That's why. That...really threw off my thinking a little. I thought it might have been someone who could dual wield. [ ... ] Even with as angry as you were, you wanted to give her a chance to fight back? An honorable duel.
I suppose. My anger and frustration... It kept growing. I will not deny that I was enraged to the point of wanting to kill her even before she refused the duel and attacked me [ kicked him in the balls ] but even after that it continued to rise.
An escalation to keep driving you forward. [ he sounds thoughtful of this. ] It's...the reason you continued, right? Because your anger spiraled so much to follow her through the tram and then to the library.
[ ... ]
But...it faded to something more reasonable after you killed her? Is that why you brought her back?
It doesn't leave. [ this is more said to himself than anything. he had suspected this before, that there was a possibility that the anger just clung to whoever was affected even after everything was done. but he doesn't like the confirmation. ]
Did you want to try and kill anyone else? Or was Margaret enough at the time?
...it's going to be there for a little while, I think. [ it's the same as the others, and he's actually kind of sad this is happening to him. ] Nobody's figured out a way to stop it yet, but that doesn't make it any more fair that you have to live with it while you're in there. I'm sorry this is happening.
[ don't just say that ahhhh. but that gets a slight smile. ]
You have nothing to apologize to me for. [ it would maybe be a different story if he were closer to margaret, but, well. shoma's biased in who he likes. this has always been true. of everyone who has died or will die this weekend, dion was always first. ]
...sorry your hand was forced, if anything. [ ... ] Is there anything I can do for you for the night, at least? I mean I don't know how, but...just in case.
There is little I desire more than the company of those I care for. I should like to hear more about you, Sir Shoma. Perhaps something unrelated to solving murders. For example, your favourite place on Earth, your desires for the future, or your first love...
Well, I'm not gonna say no to sticking around for a while. [ he is already on the floor. and he smiles a little because he doesn't mind talking about things unrelated to murder? actually he would love to talk about murder less. ]
I can't promise any of that is exciting. But...I don't know about if it's my favorite, but there's this place my dad used to perform and I used to go to all the time as a kid. It's a department store, but there's an amusement park on the rooftop. Sometimes I'll still go there to ride the ferris wheel when I want to be alone and think. After everything that's happened lately, I think my whole life's going to change again. But...someday I do want to go to college and actually learn more about robotic engineering. I built my first robot when I was twelve, and I made Roboji like a week before we got here, but I want to get better at it. Do it professionally.
[ he does not answer the first love question but he does. blush a little and looks at something else entirely. ]
[ yeah but you're dying so he can still run away if you don't confront him, thanks!
but ah... ]
You know my circumstances, Dion. I'm going to be alive for a very, very long time if I never find a way to fix this. The idea of having that much time and such a long future ahead is a little scary, especially knowing it'll be longer than others'.
[ it's a horrifying and somewhat lonely concept to think about the future and how someday it will be empty of the people he loves. ]
But if you want to think more positively, I guess that also means more time to accomplish better things. That part's not so bad.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ he closes his eyes ]
It is like a storm, and I grow ever tired of cutting my hands to cling to the earth. It would be easier let the winds take me.
no subject
no subject
[ he closes his eyes ]
I had been rather irritable all week, the heat and the invasion of having my memories taken from me... It persisted like an itch. Until on Thursday, I finally lost my temper. [ he shakes his head ] I was too angry to think straight, and targeted Margaret over a minor grievance.
no subject
he does not say this, but he doesn't think he can be disappointed either way. it's the same pattern and he can't be too angry about this. rather, he listens patiently. ]
Anyone would be irritated after having their memories put on display like that. [ so that part, he imagines, wouldn't help. ] One of those things where you acted without being able to fully control how angry you were? How did you find her?
no subject
no subject
no subject
... Not long. I urged her to duel me to the death. [ hence the two weapons ] But she refused.
no subject
Oh. That's why. That...really threw off my thinking a little. I thought it might have been someone who could dual wield. [ ... ] Even with as angry as you were, you wanted to give her a chance to fight back? An honorable duel.
no subject
no subject
[ ... ]
But...it faded to something more reasonable after you killed her? Is that why you brought her back?
no subject
... No. I was still angry. But the adrenaline had faded, and I could see reason more clearly.
But if I was mistaken about her death, and she continued to fight me again, I would have continued to pursue her.
no subject
Did you want to try and kill anyone else? Or was Margaret enough at the time?
no subject
[ but ]
But I do not trust myself. I still feel... [ a breath ] I still feel that anger in me.
no subject
no subject
You needn't worry yourself so over my shortcomings. My reckoning is long overdue.
no subject
no subject
but he laughs a little at that ]
I am grateful for it, though... sorry to have put you in such a position.
no subject
You have nothing to apologize to me for. [ it would maybe be a different story if he were closer to margaret, but, well. shoma's biased in who he likes. this has always been true. of everyone who has died or will die this weekend, dion was always first. ]
...sorry your hand was forced, if anything. [ ... ] Is there anything I can do for you for the night, at least? I mean I don't know how, but...just in case.
no subject
There is little I desire more than the company of those I care for. I should like to hear more about you, Sir Shoma. Perhaps something unrelated to solving murders. For example, your favourite place on Earth, your desires for the future, or your first love...
no subject
I can't promise any of that is exciting. But...I don't know about if it's my favorite, but there's this place my dad used to perform and I used to go to all the time as a kid. It's a department store, but there's an amusement park on the rooftop. Sometimes I'll still go there to ride the ferris wheel when I want to be alone and think. After everything that's happened lately, I think my whole life's going to change again. But...someday I do want to go to college and actually learn more about robotic engineering. I built my first robot when I was twelve, and I made Roboji like a week before we got here, but I want to get better at it. Do it professionally.
[ he does not answer the first love question but he does. blush a little and looks at something else entirely. ]
The future's kind of a daunting thing.
no subject
but he smiles, relaxing as he listens to shoma speak. ]
Daunting? Why so?
no subject
but ah... ]
You know my circumstances, Dion. I'm going to be alive for a very, very long time if I never find a way to fix this. The idea of having that much time and such a long future ahead is a little scary, especially knowing it'll be longer than others'.
[ it's a horrifying and somewhat lonely concept to think about the future and how someday it will be empty of the people he loves. ]
But if you want to think more positively, I guess that also means more time to accomplish better things. That part's not so bad.